An Old Guy’s Report

REPORT FROM AN OLD GUY

 

I have recently turned 88 years old! Many friends and acquaintances ask me what I have learned in all that time. I thought about it and decided that I haven’t learned a hell of a lot of anything! There is, however, a saving grace; I have opinions on everything. These same people often ask me to what I attribute this longevity. I offer them an opinion which is as follows: You must have a good woman to travel this voyage with you and you must never play golf. Additionally, when you get the urge to exercise, you must sit down and wait for the urge to go away. (I used to say this all the time, but recently one of my many doctors told me, “exercise or die”!). I hate to say this, but I have never smoked a cigarette, cigar or pipe in my entire life. I stopped drinking alcoholic beverages in the sixties because I didn’t like the taste so, when I wake up in the morning that is as good as I am going to feel the rest of the day. Most important is laughter! Laugh a lot and make others laugh too. I get the biggest laugh at the end of each year as I realize that I have beaten the government out of another twelve grand. Take whatever pills your doctor prescribes and look forward to your prostate exam. Eat pretty much whatever you want but in small quantities. Skip a dinner once in awhile, it won’t kill you. Sex is O.K., I have fond memories of it. Always flirt with young women. What they used to slap your face for, at this age they think it’s cute! Smile all the time. It will drive people nuts trying to figure out what you are smiling about. Always compliment women about something. They will know you’re lying, but they will like it anyway. Don’t try to tell dirty jokes. Most of the dirty jokes you will tell are not very funny and you will probably forget the punch line anyway. Go through your clothes closet every ten years. If you run across something you haven’t worn for a year, donate it to charity. Learn something new. Teach someone something they did not know before. Don’t forget to listen. The good Lord gave you one mouth and two ears for a reason. Don’t offer advice unless asked and then try to get out of it. The terms please and thank you may be out of vogue but use them anyway. My uncle taught me this when I was fourteen. He also taught me that use of these terms costs nothing and marks one as a gentleman.

I am certain that there are more things I could add, but memory is the second thing that goes. Learning just half of these things will help you breeze through your golden (?) years.

——Don Weston

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